Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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