everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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