This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
