Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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