I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
foreskin is a definite game changer
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
