I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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