got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Floor bacon is actually really good
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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