two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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