youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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