feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I will be naked everywhere
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
