Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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