I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so let's talk penis.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I want her autograph on my taint
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
