please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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