Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
