She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
