I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
