i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
