Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
