Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
