Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
