Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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