My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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