The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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