I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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