After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
