I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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