Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
