sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I look better un-naked...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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