You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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