I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
