I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
