I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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