i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
