My first STD was from a foam party
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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