When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
