I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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