just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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