hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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