I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
