Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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