Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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