I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
