if i can run in heels then i can drive
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
