This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
