Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
