Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
