you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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