When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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