We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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