If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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