no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
