Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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